As I have been faced with two lengthy, monotonous car journeys on consecutive days this week, with nothing more to entertain myself than the 280 tracks on my iPod, and an unfinished English essay, I resorted to purchasing a paper.  Now I say that as if it is an easy process, but by no means is it that simple.  I am now going to take the time to explain right and left wing politics, and their relationship with the press.

‘Right wing’ politicians are those mostly associated with traditional values, low tax, and stricter laws.  The main right wing party in the UK is the Conservative party, who, as I have previously explained, have lots of super-duper ways to make our lives much better, at no cost at all. Thank you, Mr Cameron.

‘Left wing’ politics is much more people focused, looking after poorer members of society with free healthcare and education, which is clearly much better, unless you have a double barrelled surname and play polo.  The Labour party is the main left wing party in our country.

So, this brings me back to my paper predicament.  You see, if I buy the Guardian, which is a very left wing paper, not to mention the fact that it contains 6,783,129 spelling mistakes every day, people will assume that I am either a communist, or that I am one of those people who count the aforementioned spelling mistakes.  For more information on these ‘spellcheckers’, look up ‘geek’ in the dictionary.  If I buy the Telegraph, the cashier will probably charge me around £10 extra, as I will obviously be able to afford it, right wing supporter and all.  Obviously the Sun would be inappropriate if I wanted to find out what was happening in the world, and the Mail and the Express would be all about Madeleine McCann or Princess Diana, so they aren't much use either.  In the end I settled for the Independent.  I don't know what that says about me, but at least I know what is going on in the world.  Which is kind of the point, really.

United lost the derby, which is as much as needs to be said about that particular event, except that the Munich memorial pieces were all exceptionally done.  Arsenal in the cup tomorrow at OT, could be a good chance to get one over our main title rivals.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: contemplative

This week, I am going to begin by posing a question that is the subject of hot debate:  'Does money buy you happiness?’    The obvious answer is, well, yes.  How many tramps and beggars do you see with a grin on their face?  When was the last time you saw someone driving a battered Ford Escort smile contentedly as a Ferrari pulls up next to them? Did the Victorian working class think 'Yep, I'm extremely happy sharing one room with my entire family of 600.  I definitely wouldn't want to be living in a mansion right now.'  None, never and probably not, I hear you cry.

This brings me on to the subject of the lottery.  You see, this week, if there is one winning ticket in the ‘EuroMillions’ draw, a record £95m will be dished out to a lucky swine from the UK, France, Spain, Austria, Belgium, the Republic of Ireland, Luxembourg, Portugal or Switzerland.

Now, the next part of the story - once you have defied all the odds, to emerge triumphant, what do you actually do with the money?  Buy a house, some might suggest.  Well you would certainly get a few rooms for 50 odd million, but wouldn’t you rattle around it a bit/a lot?  A collection of cars, perhaps.  Lovely - I have often dreamt of my own warehouse of supercars - but you can only drive one at a time.  Give it to charity.   A wonderful gesture, to be sure, but could you allow yourself to give that much away?  Share it among family and friends.  And what a lot of friends you suddenly have; from old school friends to someone you once knew, or might have known, or probably didn't know at all.  So that isn't really a solution either.  My advice, then, is tonot even attempt to win the lottery.  You won't succeed, and even if you do, you will be stuck for things to buy.  EuroMillions?  EuroMillionsOfProblems, more like.

This week, in the Premier League, there has been a proposition.  Some really unintelligent businessman has suggested that there should be one weekend in January where all the matches are played abroad.  The thought process was something like this: 'I know, lets have a set of games where all the players are jet lagged, all the fans are angry (and penniless) and  there are more corporate seats than screaming Japanese fans whenever Beckham is mentioned.

Speaking of Beckham, Fabio Capello (aka cruel, heartless monster from the planet Zarg) has made him wait form his 100th cap, despite the fact that England were playing a meaningless friendly against Switzerland.  They scraped a 2-1 win, but this was overshadowed by the kit the England players were wearing, possibly the worst of all time.  Ever.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: pleased

 You probably heard, this week, about the trials and convictions of five men, who were involved in the £53m robbery of a Kent 'Securitas' depot, in February 2006.  The men, who were all from various parts of Southern England, kidnapped the depot manager and his family, at gunpoint, and proceeded to use them as hostages to secure the money.  There was a further £153m still to be had in the depot; however the gang's van was full.  The robbers, who were all armed, had to threaten a whole 14 staff before getting to the money.  That's right, folks - 14 staff, most of whom were unarmed, were there with £206m.  Granted, it was the early hours of the morning (around 2am), but still, with stakes that high, you'd think there would be several armed guards.   Surely, Securitas were asking for the robbery a bit?
               
Anyway, time for a bit of a political tie-in. And here, on the crime front, the Labour Government, in my opinion, does rather well.   You see, including big huge crimes like the one I just mentioned, as well as the slightly less well-known ones, like assault, drug dealing etc, there is around one crime per 40 people, every two months in England and Wales.  Think about that.  Nearly half of these crimes are petty theft, and a further quarter is criminal damage.  This leaves just one 'serious' crime, per 160 people every two months.  This, to me doesn’t seem like bad going.

The Tories, or course, see it differently.  If you go the homepage of their website, there is a big clock, counting down until Labour release another prisoner early.  I would just like to take this opportunity to ask what exactly Gordon Brown and friends are meant to do about that.  Build more prisons?  Nope, the wage for a prison officer is measly, so they would be understaffed.  Well, then, put less people into prison!  Sure, David, so you can moan that convicts roam our streets.  Clamp down on crime, then!  Certainly, how do you suggest we begin?  Well, on the 'Policy' section of the website, Mr Cameron tells us about all his super-duper ways to make us all much safer.  And happier.  And, surely, poorer?  He wants to put more money into the army, the navy, the police, the public transport system, the justice system, the education system, and the healthcare industry.  And he wants to cut taxes.  Well David, sadly, unless you rob an undefended Securitas depot, there's probably no way that is all going to work.

United are coming into their stride now, led by the world's greatest player, Ronaldo.  He bagged 4 in the space of 4 days, against Tottenham and Pompey,  and with another game against Spurs tomorrow, he will hopefully continue in the same vein of form.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: contemplative

The plane crash at Heathrow Airport this week has prompted many enlightened flight buffs (or journalists trying to create a bit of hype, depending on which way you look at it) to raise concerns about the aviation industry.  With reason, you understand.  After all, there were 150 incidents involving aeroplanes between 1996 and 2005, and a whole 5 of these were fatal.  It may interest you to know that there are 2 million flights in UK airspace every year, so that works out an average of 1 fatal accident for every 4 million flights.  Compare this, then, to the 3172 deaths that occurred on Britain's roads in 2006, and flight really doesn't come out too badly.  Crossing the road, climbing stairs and getting into the shower are also more dangerous than a trip in a plane.  But still, a huge deal is made out of an incident where nobody was killed.

I would say that the reason plane crashes are so broadcasted, so in-your-face, is because they are incredibly spectacular.  I mean, let’s be honest, when was the last time you saw a car smash on the telly, aside from Lewis Hamilton?  The only place these incidents can be found is on Sky channels 120-299, the big gap between the entertainment and the music channels.  This void is filled with mindless rubbish, for example ‘Discovery Home’ and ‘UKTV Food’.  So here is the place to find car crashes, if you really want to.

Planes, on the other hand, are a really big deal.  On Sky News on the day of the crash, if you pressed your red button, you could watch experts analyse live footage of the immobile wreckage, speculating about what might have gone wrong, and drawing little circles around random bits of the plane that hadn’t been discussed thoroughly already, like the little windows on the side of the fuselage, and the effect they might have had on the entire aircraft.  Because windows are dangerous, you know.

So then, it would seem that, despite the inevitable panic that follows an incident like the one this week, flight is still the daddy.  Whatever those windows try and do to stop that.

My points about football clubs needing to be patient were emphatically proven on Saturday, as a manager who has been given time, Sir Alex Ferguson, showed his outstanding class against managerless Newcastle, United romping home 6-0.  Ronaldo scored his first hat-trick in England, Tevez had two oppurtunities to use his stupid dummy celebration, and Rio Ferdinand chipped in with a peach.  Reading away tomorrow, should probably be 3 points there.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: pensive

‘Big Sam’ Allardyce was sacked from his position as Newcastle manager this week, after a whopping 3 minutes in charge.  He was paid six million smackeroos to get out of the St James’s Park boardroom by owner Mike Ashley, which makes him the fourteenth manager to be sacked by the infamous Newcastle board since Sir Alex Ferguson took over at Manchester United, and the ninth since Arsene Wenger began his reign at Arsenal. The managerial heavyweights I just mentioned have both had a decade in charge (two decades in the case of Fergie), and are the only two managers to have won ‘The Double’ (Premiership and FA Cup) in England for over 20 years.  Also, apart from Jose Mourinho, who could’ve solved third world debt with the money he spent at Chelsea, they are the only managers to have won the Premiership on more than one occasion, two for Wenger, and 9 for Ferguson.  Compare this to Newcastle, who haven’t won a major trophy for 39 years and change managers more frequently than David Cameron changes his angle of attack on Labour, and you see where the problem lies for the Toon Army.  Consistency is the way forward.  However, this requires patience (Ferguson's United didn't win a trophy until 1990, a scrappy FA Cup victory over Crystal Palace), which sadly seems to be a virtue not possessed by many Geordies.  Newcastle fans want instant success, and any manager that doesn't bring this is given instant redundancy.  Allardyce took seven and a half years to build the Bolton team that reached Europe, and he was given just 24 games to do the same for Newcastle.

In other football news this week, Nicholas Anelka realised that a striker getting around 20 goals per season can do better than a team in the bottom third of the Premiership, and headed off to follow many before him and ruin his career, by playing not a lot of games, for lots and lots of money at Chelsea.  United are at home to the aforementioned Toon Army tomorrow, looking to catch Arsenal at the top of the pile.  Maybe sacking their manager might help?  Oh no, it wouldn't.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: satisfied

You are probably familiar with the phrase ‘…till death do we part.’  Taken, of course, from the part of a Catholic marriage ceremony when the couple exchange vows.  Except nowadays, ‘vows’ isn’t really such an appropriate term.  You see, the definition of ‘vow is ‘a solemn promise that commits you to an act, service or condition.’  Promises such as these are meant to be kept, and I’m sorry, but in the case of modern marriages, this simply isn’t happening.  There were around 150,000 divorces in the UK in 2006, and, while this is the lowest for 23 years, surely it is still too many?  I mean, seeing as it’s a lifelong commitment and all that, surely there should be approximately zero?  Possibly, if there are extreme circumstances, like your wedded partner is secretly seeing 31 other guys behind your back, mortgages the house, steals all your money and jets off to Hawaii with your best mate, then a divorce might be feasible, but otherwise, I think that, seeing as you have made this lifelong commitment, you should have to live it out.
            Another factor is, I think, celebrity influence.  Now, I wrote about this not so long ago, so I won’t go through it again, but when you have figures like Britney Spears, who has had more husbands than I have had birthdays, showing children how to live their lives when they are older, it isn’t going to turn into a good world to be living in. Also, it is far too easy to get divorced.  While researching this piece, I stumbled upon an advert for a ‘DIY Divorce Solution’.  It is ‘used by thousands’ and has ‘no solicitor fees’.  This is what has become of what once was a commitment set in stone; that showed your true and undying love for a partner, and I feel that it has gone too far.  Miss/Mrs/Ms Spears, whichever you are at the moment, I hope you’re happy.

 

The Christmas period is important in many ways – the most vital of these being in a footballing sense.  United have finally reclaimed their correct position in the league, perched at the top, and go to West Ham tomorrow in the hope to defend this.  The Reds got 4 again on Wednesday, away at Sunderland, including a peach of a free kick from That Boy Ronaldo, and an end to Rooney’s latest ‘goal drought’.

A very happy new year to you all!

Matt ;)

This week, as it was the end of term, and nearly everyone had failed their 'Christmas Test', my maths teacher allowed us to watch the recently released film 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry'.  This film follows the story of firefighter Larry Valentine (Kevin James), who failed to change crucial details on his will following his wife's death.  He therefore decides to cheat the tax people, by 'marrying' fellow firefighter Chuck Levine (Adam Sandler).  The state are suspicious, however, and the film cultivates in the 'couple' being thrown into jail.  The film, while solely a comedy, and a good one at that, hits some decent notes on homosexual rights.  Our government has recently swung hugely in favour of gay couples, with the introduction of civil partnerships in 2004 - if you'd said that to a gay rights campaigner 20 years back they'd have thought you stupid!  On the first day that same sex marriages could officially be performed, 21st December 2005, 700 took place, and, within the first year, 36,118 British citizens of the same sex were joined legally.  They are now entitled to nearly all the legal benefits that heterosexual couples enjoy, including the laws on adoption and wills.  Now, I may be locked up for homophobia for this, but personally, I feel that a child raised by a gay couple is not being allowed as much freedom as a child that grows up within a 'nuclear' environment (i.e. mother and father) - they won't have as much of an idea about male and female relationships, for example.  However, this is just my opinion, although, it would seem that, on this one occasion, myself and David Cameron are in agreement!  Mr Cameron, who is, of course, leader of the Tory Party, voted against gay adoptions, but has publicly spoken out in support of civil partnerships.  I would, however, make one complaint.  Whoever came up with the term 'civil partnership' is the most boring, brandless suit wearing backbencher in the whole world.  Oh, and note that I haven't made one cheesy joke about gays yet - you know the ones I'm talking about.  "You may now kiss the husband."  No.  Just no.

United won at Liverpool on Sunday, much to the disappointment of the friend I was watching the game with.  Carlos Tevez once again produced a breathtaking finish from minus 3 yards out, to seal our victory.  Also, the Champions League draw was made this week - United have Lyon. 

Whilst checking ticket news on the United website, I stumbled across a news article detailing our steal of Angolan striker Manucho.  I say steal, because nobody seems to have heard of him.  He doesn't produce any hits on Youtube, and apart from the same quote from Sir Alex saying how pleased he is, he has nothing on Google either.  We'll see what the lad is made of come the end of the season...

Finally, a very Happy Christmas to all blog readers - have a good'un.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: satisfied

For Christmas this year, I am hoping to receive a Laptop computer, or, as they are stupidly known these days, a Notebook, which is apparently no longer a 99p pad of paper, but a £400 engineering marvel.  However, that isn't my issue.  The thing I have noticed, as I trawl through the millions of available products and the subsequent many millions of reviews, is how they seem to think that I know what they're on about.  "Ah, sir, take a look at this new Intel Pentium Dual Core T2310/1.46 GHz Processor."  Yeah mate.  I agree entirely.  So that's the 'processor' fitted then.  Whatever a 'processor' does.  And then there are graphics, operating systems, optical drives, sound cards, RAM and hard drives to worry about.  WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME THESE CHOICES!  I just want a small, portable device that can function as a computer does!  As far as I'm concerned, Vista Premium and Vista Ultimate have few differences between them, I have no idea why one core is better than two, and I don't know what RAM stands for.  All I am aware of is that the family desktop breaks a lot, and it runs slowly after my brother has been on Runescape.  So, Mac users might say: "It's impossible to crash a Mac," but this, I happen to know, simply isn't true, as I have seen first hand evidence in Music last week that they definitely can.  So what to do?  The reviews are of little help, as most of them are adverts for a 'FREE iPhone or PS3 or whatever' which involve ringing a number charged at £3million per minute, and 'calls will last a minimum of 10 minutes'.  PC World are fairly unhelpful as well, as the staff get paid extra if they sell certain items, and as soon as you get out of the door, they forget you were ever there and refuse to offer any technical support.  My father therefore suggested John Lewis, who, admittedly, are honest about the products they sell, but then I can do that too - they're good quality and reeeaaallllllly expensive.  So you can stay at home now, I've summed it the entire store up nicely there.  Well then, if they aren't really an option, then who?  Internet prices are good, but there is often a hefty delivery fee - £50 on one site - so you'd be better going in-store.  Which leaves me back where I started - without a clue what any of the terminology means, and in a pickle about my processors.  PC World anyone?

United beat Derby 4-1 last week, although it could've been 40-1.  Liverpool on Sunday though - the derby game we actually care about.  Come on you Reds - although we might be in black, actually.  Away kits and all that.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: pensive

Type in 'shopping' on Google, and you get just under a hundred million hits.  Type in 'gift' and you get about 60 million.  In fact, think of the weirdest, most unwanted present you've ever had nightmares about getting, times it by three hundred squillion, give your creation a vile and abnormal name, type it into just about any search engine and you'll get millions of responses from websites all trying to sell you this product.  Money spent on internet shopping in the UK alone currently increases by about 19% every year - the current figure stands at just over £20 billion.  It probably won't come as much of a shock to you that much of this shopping is done by the glorious females of our nation - with 18-34 year olds being the main big spenders.  In fact, it has been discovered that many women do more shopping than paid work.  I will be slapped on Monday if I comment on this, so let's move on.  The main attractions for shopping electronically, apart from the fact there is a higher chance of the gift being lost, therefore the purchaser has someone to shout at if they're bored of hollering at their partner, are to avoid queues, to compare products more easily, and 'avoiding the inconvenience of travelling to stores' (taken from a survey carried out by  www.shop.org).  Again, no comment.

Well then, seeing as there is all this choice; all these virtual places to shop from, in addition to a fairly comprehensive range of shops in Bolton town centre, buying a present for the Missus should be a fairly simple task.  After all, should I not just follow my fellow male compatriots, and settle for the perfume on special offer at Boots, or simply some Belgian chocolates from Thornton's (why always Belgian?).  This shows more of a dislike for shopping, rather than a dislike of the partner (honest!).  In fact, 29% of men would happily drive away from a shop because of lack of parking spaces near to the entrance.  For example, I recently desired a squash racquet.  I therefore decided which one to buy, arranged for my dad to give me a lift, and was in and out of the shop in less than ten minutes.  The females' of the species, however, would have made a day of it - browsed all the shops, including the ones with no purpose at all (for example Poundland, which is next to Poundworld, which is next to Pound Empire - its not like you'd need to compare prices, really).  That sums us men up quite well, to be honest.  Why shop at all?  What is the point?  Apart from the dreaded present for the partner, there is no need - the wife will be do it, instead of working!

United played on Monday night, which is the most stupid time you could ever schedule a football match for.  We won again, though, that boy Ronaldo producing 2 goals too many for Fulham.  Bottom of the league Derby tomorrow - let's forget we're English and not balls it up!

Matt ;)

Current Mood: amused

The above is taken from rock band Madina Lake's song 'Stars'.  The song is basically about how a couple leave everything behind, to go and get famous.  Sounds far-fetched, but the current obsession with celebrities, not just in our country but around the world, is ridiculous.  Magazines like 'Heat' and 'Vogue' fuel this obsession - and there are over 350 of these lifestyle magazines in the UK alone.  Right, I'm sorry, but how can there be 350 different ways to photograph pregnant women, who might have had a single in the Top 1,000,000 sometime in the last 50 years, and comment on how fat they look?  Also in these magazines are horoscopes (about as likely to come to pass as Bolton winning the league this season...) and the real life stories, when poor people try and make money by exaggerating an event that probably didn't happen at all.  And a constant theme throughout is always sex.  The magazines are read by the same girls that call lads dirty minded approximately 7.352 times per day, yet their idea of a good read contains articles like about interesting subjects like a woman who tests sex toys.  This is on top of a weekly sex tip.  And a new sex position.  Blah celebrity blah sex blah.  They go something like that.  Frankly, I'd rather smash one of my limbs with a hammer, than read one of these magazines.  And if there wasn't a hammer available, at least I'd have plenty of choice for my slow, laborious death.  350, in fact.

In other news this week, I nearly died.  Of embarrassment. Bolton beat United 1-0.  And I have been reminded of it all week.

Anyway, moving on.  United resumed, after this blip, and Cristiano Ronaldo, who is undoubtedly the 2nd best, if not the best player in the world at present, blasted the Red Devils into the knockout stages as group winner, with one of the best freekicks I'd ever seen.  I expected, come Wednesday morning, that even the most avid anti-United lunatic would concede that it was a good goal.  It might as well have been a tap-in for all the praise his 30 yard, swerving Portuguese thunderbolt was given.  I give up, I really do.  Give them one scrappy, undeserved victory, and they think they're the champions.  Oh no, that's us.  Sorry lads.

Finally, my sincerest apologies for my lack of blogging last week.  My computer decided it would be more useful if it didn't turn on.

Matt ;)

Current Mood: cheerful